Kickin' it with Nik

this is bad. really bad. i think i like someone. or maybe its just the attention that i get from this person. it's so hard to distinguish between the too these days. Not only from that, but from who's a friend as well. I mean when i introduce people to other people, do i say oh well this is my friend, when i really dont know if they indeed are. and what makes it okay to say friend, like how close do you have to be, and then theres the friend to crush thing to, i mean do u say friend, and have the tother person be sceptical, cuz you sure as hell dont say crush or anythign along those lines. You know this makes it seem like i am currently havingt his problem but im not. Im having other problems, like this guy, i dont know what to do. i reallly dont know what to do. ughh. and i cant talk about this. cuz it jsut shouldnt be talked about. like my feeelings. apparently i let them get ahold of me for a bit tponight, when i found out that my posters i spent a million hours on were missing. and i dont know what to do about it. but who cares right. well apparetnyl i do. alright you know what i cant start talking about everything it will just become a mess. im out. peace

one of the last times thta i wrote, is said taht everyting was going to happen before thanksgiving. since then my world has turned compltely upside down, and its getting ready to doa full cycle again. and if ive beem able to handle it this well so far, thenm i think i can handle the rest. after all God oesnt give someone something that he knows they cant handle. I can handle whatever it is he gives me. i have to. now dont get me wrong i knoe there will be a few more teatrs, a couple more goodbyes, and a couple more lonely nights, but in the end, i hipe that i will be happy with the person that i wil have become. the tinest things in life affect you. people affect you. even the ones you dont like, theyre there for a reason, everyone you meet in your life theyre there for you at taht time. whether or not they stick around, it solely depends on wheteherr you needt them to stick around. ive been pretty in touvh with me religion lately. bc i dont think i can get throuhg of this with out the support  and love of God, and you guys can make fun of me all you want, but this is how i feel and i  hope that i dont offend anhy of you along the way. Please bare with me these next couple of weeks, after all i never said all this "new" was just goign to be with me, its belongs to you all as well. you may not know it, but's already started. stay true to yourself in times liek these, bc tehre isnt anypne else that can figure yout life out but you. i love you all, and i pray that you all can handle everything with grace.

hey there

just a short little quick update. I definately went to DC this weekend and had a blast. And i definately think im going to be going down there a lot more often, i mean as much as my bank account will allow me. I wicked love hanging out with kate, just travelling around the city, we do that so well. just drifting along town. its awesome. but yeah um DC has liek the cleanest metro system ever. like i totally didnt feel grossed out sitting on the subway. it was amazing let me tell you,. hhaa. but yeah so things are goign pretty well. western civ is pretty much kicking my ass so i have to focus on that a bit more, hilltop is going great i absolutley love being at rehearsal its soo much fun. cute boys here too  ;) haha you know me. i;m always for some of them ;)  but yeah so thats about it. ae is still an amazing job, everyone kikcks ass there. im so sad i didnt get to work on monday, liek all my favorite boys were working, plus aly and krystle so it woulda been a wicked blast. but oh well. i flying back from a much needed minivacation. yeah so im goign to go study now, and i will let you all get back to lovely lives. later fooooooools

i have the worst feeling right now. its making me feel so sick. somethings gonna happen. and its going to happen soon. and its gonna come down so hard. 

everything is happening before thanksgiving. and i dont know if i care bear to see it all go down

i guess it really has been awhile, when the whole site is different. It seems nice though.

so almost an entire month had gone by. Go figure and in that entire month a years worth of situations have come into my life. Some have stayed, some left. and some ive completely forgotten about. Those are the things that will reluctantly reapair in the coming years. 

But i have learned a great deal more than i was planning on learning. In the past year I lost a lot of friends, who arenow aquanitances, this number has grown higher, and the number of close friends i have may be smaller, but to me in fills a lot bigger of a whole. The people who i have in my life need to knwo how much i care about them, how grateful i am to have them there for me. I've always been told that if i can count my friends on a whole hand that i should be very grateful. Well i can count my friends on two hands. And each one of them supports me in a different way, just as each finger on my hand supports a cup when i need the stiffest drink i can handle. 

it's funny how things change. I mean really one day you dont even know a person. and the next you're tlaking to htme like u've known eachotehr forever. connections are a lot more powerful than people think.  they can come out of nowhere and they take control of you. THe person you are waling into a new relationship, even jsut goign to meet someone new, you are not the smae person walking out of that conversation. Every little aspect , every insignigicant moment in your life is more significant than you could ever imagine. remember that. 

it seems that everytime i come to write in this thing, my mind jsut seems to wonder. and to me the person writing is someone completely different. But i guess somewhere inside of me this person lies. Because somewhere along the road i met someone who changed me, who brought this part of me out into the world. thank you to whoever that is.

so i guess everyone is waiting for the typical back at school update. so while i wait for my friend to clean her room i will give you guys one.

i absolutely love being back at school. i feel like im back at home. it's amazing. my friends are here. i mean yeah theres a few of u i misat home. but every day the number gets less and less. this is where i belong. this is where i need to be. i really do love hoem with all my heart. but being there isnt always the best for me. i know it may see as though im running away from things. but im not. im moving on. and if i stay in one place. i wont make any progress. i had 13 full years to make something happen there. and now its time to break free in a new place. so im back here. ready to go. and excited to grow up.

i love my classes. if the gen eds are amazing. i am at a place right now, where i have never felt better. i love my school. i love my work. ( american eagle had to have a shout out in there somewhere ) and i love who i am. there may be a few places in my life, wher ei make mistakes and dont respect the decisions i make but we all have those and those moments are your true desires. dont let something great slip away becusae ur afraid of losing somethign okay. if things are meant to be they will work themeselves out with a  little help from the english vocabulary and a small push from a guilty conscience. 

but it doesnt matter anyways. al that matters is the fresh air we get to breath. the small talks you have with your friends. and nic elong walks you have on your journey to finding love. because at someone point or another you will find it. it;s out there and its willing to find you. just let it. 

enjoy the semester. have fun. study hard. miss those worthy. and love with everything. 

i love you guys.

it figures that you're the last person that i see. 

everything always seems to happen at once. my summer just took a dive for the better and the worse. all within the last week. maybe even the last 10 days. needless to say. im exhausted. drained. and for some reason happy. and when everything is goign wrong for someone near me. its not half bad for me. i feel bad being happy. but the only reason im happy is because nothing bad is happening to me. and that makes me feel horrible. i mean my stupid issues are so small. i shoudlnt even call them issues. but i do need to figure things out. but its kinda of hard to do so. because letting thises feelings out. trusting in other people. taking another chance. losing important things. that maybe youve already lost. living life. all because of one stupid idea. one stupid emotion. ugh.

tonight i went to a party at Goss's house. And saw a lot of people i haven't seen since graduation. werid. What has the world come too? 

I also developed some cool pictures for my dorm. when shopping with some cool cats. and had a pretty nifty girls dinner. 


i admitted my issue tonight. i hope that doesnt mean that i really feel like that towards him. because if i do. well then. you might as well hand me another shot. make it two.

DAWSON: Joey, you're not alone.
JOEY: Yes, I am.
DAWSON: I'm -- Joey, I'm here for you.
JOEY: No...
DAWSON: I was here for you in sixth grade. I'm here for you now, okay? Nothing you can say is gonna change that. Nothing. All right? And maybe if you just say these things, then you know, they'll be out in the open -- then your feelings won't be as strong anymore. You know? I mean, you could be free.
JOEY: I can't. I can't. 'Cause if I say these things, I can't ever take them back. And it'll change everything, and I can't do that. I can't. 

i think things are getting confusing again. i think i need to really think about it this time. i think i need an answer. And i need it soon.